The Ureste Report

Commissioner Mauricio asked me to fly to Gainesville, FL to represent the CA teams and meet with the owners from the FL side of our league. Based on my observations, I was asked to provide him a full report…We’ll call this report- The Ureste Report. Unlike the famous Mitchell Report, there were no steroids or steroid users involved. Only beer and beer drinkers. The names included in the Ureste Report have all been confirmed and if ever brought in front of Congress, I will provide hard evidence to support my findings (empty beer bottles, mustache shavings, pieces of pulled pork, etc.)

First of all, it was the most beer that I have consumed in any 4 consecutuve days in my entire life. I would say David (Team Anchor Steam) and I averaged about 20-25 beers each day… The day when I took my shirt off at the bar because I was so intoxicated that I thought I was in a UFC octagon, I may have had a little more than 25 beers.

Just an example of how much I drank- My girlfriend Cari woke me up Tuesday morning to go to work. It was my first morning back in CA. When I woke up I was out of it and immediately was like “Yeah, I’m down to go to Ward’s and get some more beer. Let’s do this.” Then I realized that Cari wasn’t my cousin David and my vacation was over. I actually had to go back to normal CA life and get ready for work. Clearly, I was disappointed.

Furthermore, Cari is now completely irritated with all the stories and cool people that I keep telling her about… The following is a transcript of what I told her happened and who I met…..

Daniel: Yeah this dude Tom (The Stugots). Aw man. He’s f*ckin hella cool. He bought this huge box of oysters. Like 100 oysters…And we BBQ’ed them all day on Sunday. Then Tom was like ‘Yeah one time I drank with the Iron Sheik at this bar’”…Then Tom and David showed me how to play cricket on a dart board. Oh yeah, by the way baby, we are getting a dart board on Friday so I can start practicing to beat David and Tom…. Then Tom and David shaved their mustaches like Hitler and David tried to go over and break up this fight between these black people with the Hitler mustache. Oh yeah baby, by the way I’m probably going to grow a mustache. Then Tom and I started watching a Godfather marathon… Then, Tom explained to me over a couple of beers at the bar how to make a good Chicken Parm sandwich. Did you know that Tom is not Italian but he’s hella good at making Italian food?

Cari: No, I didn’t know that, Daniel. In any case- No dartboard. And definitely no mustache.

Daniel: Whatever. Then this dude Matt (That Veronica Vaughn). Aw man, he’s f*ckin hella cool too. I knew I liked Matt when the first words that I heard from his mouth were “Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?”…hahahahahah.. Like from National Lampoon’s Vacation.. Remember babe when Clark says that to Eddie?”

Cari (not excited): I remember Daniel. That’s real hilarious.

Daniel: Anyway, then Matt brought over all these beers that are from the east coast that I have never tried. This Chocolate Creme Stout that he had was probably one of the best beers that I have ever had. Oh by the way baby, Im probably going to start drinking Chocolate Creme Stout in the morning instead of coffee. So you can get rid of the coffee maker….Then Matt had this wiffleball pitch that comes all the way from the outside…..Wait. Here, hold onto this bat, and stand right there and I’ll show you how he pitched it.

I bean Cari in the back trying to throw Matt’s pitch. She is not happy.

Daniel: Then this dude Nate was like a big racing fan so I talked to him about NASCAR.

Cari gives me the big yawn on that one.

Daniel: And then Adrian wore this fake blonde mustache to this Mustache Party that we went to that was hilarious…. Then Adrian choked out David and made him tap out...

Cari: Wait. A girl named Adrian choked out David?

Daniel: No, Adrian was a dude.

Daniel: Then this dude Will brought over this pulled pork that he smoked on his grill. Aw man, it was the best pork I’ve ever tasted in my life. He injected the pork with this like Mojito sauce. By the way, I’m making pulled pork this weekend and injecting it with my own Mojito sauce. ”

Cari: No you are not.

Daniel: Then of course, there was my cousin David who was cool enough to let me sleep on his bed the whole weekend, while he slept out on the couch, he bought a crap load of ribs, steak, and beer for me , and he bought me 2 Sparks that f*cked me up beyond belief.

Cari: Well Daniel, sounds like you had a good time. But, welcome back to reality. You have a girlfriend and two cats that need your attention now. Plus, the garbage needs to be taken out, the litter boxes need to be cleaned, and …


Guys, seriously, it was one hell of a great time. You dudes were all hella cool. I’m glad I got the opportunity to meet the FL guys in person…..Oh yeah, by the way, I was also fortunate enough to meet last years Field of Teams Champion, Pat from(Eat a Bag of D*cks) in person. He was the promoter of the Mustache party, and luckily for me he made a guest appearance. He has been busy lately doing his Championship Tour. (I shook his hand and congratulated him on his championship and then under my breath whispered, “Shit b*tch. You’re going down this year. Bony ol’ Yellowbats all the way!” )

Footnote: Last night, Cari was talking to me and I was staring out into space. She was like “Hello? I’m trying to talk to you. What are you thinking about?” I was like “The Matt-chelor Party.” She was like “What the hell is the Matt-chelor Party?” …ahahahahhhah

Have fun guys!!!

REJECTED BY THE "DARK" SIDE

I put together a short "animated" film yesterday and thought you might enjoy it.

REJECTED BY THE "DARK" SIDE

Hopefully Darth and Storm can find the "perfect" girls. You'll have to wait and see...

A Jealous Co-Worker.....

Below is a blog entry that my co-worker wrote about me a couple of days ago on her website. Just like Milton on Office Space, I was asked to move my desk to the other side of the office. I chose to move my desk into the cubicle next to this co-worker because I thought she was one of my friends...After reading her blog, I wonder if she is still my friend or just jealous of all my achievments? You judge for yourself. Here's her entry....

New Neighbor
by JR

The cube next to mine has been empty for eons but today at work I got a new neighbor. Ok- yeah I was jazzed at first, especially since half of the people I worked with got laid off a few months back. I thought "Great! Some new entertainment to help pass my crappy days."

As I walk to my desk this morning, I notice something different. Hmmmm....is there some type of large object propped between my desk and my new neighbor's? Nooooo. There are THREE objects on the partition between my desk and my neighbor's. What the f*** is it?

Oooohhhhh interesting. My new neighbor has strategically placed different service (and sport) awards to face MY desk. He must have placed the awards here (facing me) because he doesn't have enough room on his desk....or does he? I stood up slowly and peaked over the partition into his cube. Funny, there's plenty of room on his desk for awards. Could he just be rubbing these achievements in my face? Did he put these awards here to mock me day in and day out? I mean, come on buddy, of course I wish that I had won the MVP award in our fantasy football league last year. Isn't that every girl's dream?

Around 3:00 pm I notice something moving out of the corner of my eye, so I look up to see what's there. WTF?!?!? Is he shining his awards!!!!! Oh my God --he is shining each award with a special polishing kit!

He sees me looking at him and so he smiles. I smiled back but then heard him begining to laugh. Not just any laugh though, it was this Dr. Evil creepy (I think I am better than you because I have awards on my desk and you don't so in your face lady!) type laugh. Then he asks me "So Jessica, don't you have any achievements that you are proud of? I noticed that you don't have any awards or certificates at your desk."

I thought -OK that does it! This mickey fickey is goin' down!

He turned around to talk to another co-worker and I snatched all of his awards from the partition and put them in my computer bag. In your face Mr. Award Man! Well see who gets the last Dr. Evil laugh!

Procter & Gamble have done it again!!!!!

When I saw the commercial for the Old Spice Hair & Body Wash on TV, I immediately turned to Cari and begged her to pick it up for me on her next trip to the grocery store. She must have noticed how intense my plea was because she had it waiting for me the next day. Cari and the Old Spice Hair and Body Wash are the best!!!!!

For the past couple of weeks I have been cutting my shower time by like 3 minutes using this hair and body wash combo instead of two separate bottles. Those 3 extra minutes everyday have been unbelievable....Some of the various important tasks (not in any particular order) that have been accomplished in those 3 extra minutes before I have to run out of my apartment to catch the BART have included:

Eating a bowl of oatmeal
Doing 25 curls on each arm
Flossing
Staring out the window at this squirrel on the telephone pole
Turning the TV on to see what the score of the Warrior game was
Plugging in my cell phone to let it charge for 3 minutes
Writing down my grocery list for Cari
Opening my closet and admiring my stash of Lege-weizens
Taking a couple of practice cuts with my wiffleball bat in the living room
Eating an apple and watching myself chew it in the mirror
Packing a tuna sandwich for my lunch
Looking out my peep hole at my neighbors fighting outside
Practicing my jabs on the couch pillows
Picking out a book to read on BART

WARNING!!!!! All you 8 am people better watch out.......

I was told yesterday by my supervisor that I will have to stop working my beloved 6am- 2:30pm shift and now start working 8am- 5pm. What the F*@&?... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! My once deserted, quiet, easy-going mornings to myself are now going to turn into PEDESTRIAN / COMMUTER HELL. No more not having to wait in line for a tea at Peete's. No more not having to stand next to a bum on BART that smells like ass and feet. No more feeling like I could scream "6 AM RULES!!!!" and have it echo throughout the empty streets of the Financial District. Now I must succumb to the hectic and over-crowded nightmare that comes with going to work at 8am. I feel like Frank Leone in the movie Lock Up- I don't deserve this shit. I shouldn't be here. Let me out.

With that being said, I would like to take this time to warn The New World that I am entering- I am not good with change, especially a sudden change like this. I will protect myself physically and emotionally by any means necessessary.

What the hell is Raul calling me?

Everyday when I jump on the Bart train to go to work, the BART station attendee, Raul, says "Hi" to me as I pass through the gates. I'm glad that him and I have become familiar enough with each other to say "Hi", but what concerns me about our greeting is that he always says "Hi" followed by a word that I can never quite understand. It sounds like he says "Hi, Meoh." That's "Meoh" as in the two words "Me" and "Oh". I have been trying to pay closer attention the past month to see if I could figure out exactly what he is calling me, but every time the "Meoh" comes out, it sounds distorted and I can't quite put my finger on it. I brainstormed some possibilities of what "Meoh" could be. Here's what I have come up with so far:

1. Maybe Raul is calling me "Meo" as in the Mexican equivalent to Neo from The Matrix. I have always thought of myself as "special" and there was that one time where Cari threw the remote control at me and I was easily able to duck out of the way- very much like the way that Neo ducked out of the way from all those bullets in the movie. The remote control just floated past me in the air and I was not only able to maneuver myself out of the way, but more impressively I was able to press "38" on the remote to change the TV back to ESPN as it flew past me. Maybe Raul is my Morpheus and he is just waiting for the right time to tell me that I am "The One"? Maybe one day, right there at the Bart station, he will confront me and in front of all the passengers we will have a 10 minute battle scene where he challenges my fighting skills and lets me know that he will be my guide through The MexTrix. Just in case, I will try and buy a black trench coat soon and practice my Keanu Reeves "Whoa..."

2. Maybe Raul is saying "Mijo" as in the abbreviated form of "Mi hijo" which means "My son" in Spanish. Could Raul be God and I'm like his son Jesus? Maybe he has noticed lately that I have been sacrificing a lot for everyone around me. Just the other day, when I was on the BART train, an elderly woman came hobbling onto the train and instead of doing the usual "pretending like I'm asleep so that I don't have to give up my seat", I decided to give up my seat and stand. Yes, my stop was the next stop, but anyone who knows me, knows how lazy I am and standing on my feet for even a minute is a sacrifice...Hmmmm... Maybe it's just a matter of time before Raul/God will ask me to make the Ultimate Sacrifice. When he does tell me that it's my time, I will ask all my readers to come with me to Chevy's and there, we will have "The Last Supper". I will pour some margaritas and break a tortilla as a symbol of my blood and body...Ok, a little overboard. I'll wait until Raul confronts me before I decide where the Last Supper will be.

3. Maybe Raul is a cannibal and is playing a sick and demented mind game with me by calling me "Meal" every time he sees me? I have been working out the past couple of months so maybe he has noticed some thickness in my arms and chest and is salivating over the chance to dig in. I must say too that if I was a cannibal, my huge head would look pretty appetizing. One might say that with all my knowledge and wisdom digging into my head would be like eating a Power Bar. If Raul is a cannibal and is planning on eating me for nutritional purposes, my best bet would be to watch a crapload of useless TV, drink as much beer as I can, and sleep all day to rid my body and mind of any useful nutrients that Raul could possibly use ...Oh..wait a minute...I already do all that....hmmmm.

Anyone else have any other possibilities of what "Meoh" could be?

CNN...You're Not Funny.....

Miss Deaf Texas struck by train, killed
Tuesday, March 14, 2006; Posted: 9:27 a.m. EST (14:27 GMT)

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died after being struck by a train, officials said. Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking Monday near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said. A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

At first, when I was reading this article I was cracking up because I thought I was reading The Onion. When I realized that I was on CNN.com, I stopped chuckling and immediately regretted forwarding the article to my co-workers. As punishment, I have decided that I will not write or make fun of the Handi's anymore. The last thing that I need right now is bad karma.

One thing I would like to say is that maybe someone needs to invent some sort of net or like a giant soft padded baseball glove that you put on front of a train that like catches you on impact. Sort of like how a tractor has that front shovel thing. (if that makes sense) I don't know. Im not a physisisisist, so i don't know about the damage the impact of a net can have on your body, but I think I would rather have this net/web/glove type thingy automatically sweep me up and carry me for a bit then to die. Sure I will probably be in another state by the time that the train stops, but at least I will not be smashed to death still in Modesto. I'm not an engineer but I constructed a drawing above detailing the net. Notice how the deaf guy just sits in the net and is still able to drink a beer. Hmmmmmm.....

On a more positive note- You will be happy to know that The Taco Truck had a great time in Atlanta. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by my friends Lisa, Jessica, and Mark the whole time. If it wasn't for them, I would have gone crazy and been completely bored. The best part about the trip, besides being able to hang out with my friends, was that my company paid for everything. I took $160 out of the ATM before I left and I only spent $100. ($80 on alcohol and- like a chump - $20 on a room serviced hamburger and fries) My work paid for the flight, all my meals, and the hotel room for 4 nights. Now we are talkin!!!

Ok, the guilt was too overwhelming (plus they were way too big for tap handles)

TEEN'S STOLEN LEGS RETURNED

Monday, March 6, 2006; Posted: 6:43 p.m. EST (23:43 GMT)

ARCADIA, California (AP) -- A 16-year-old girl's prosthetic legs, which were stolen twice since November, have been quietly returned, police said.

Melissa Huff's mother found the legs in her unlocked car, which she had parked at Arcadia High School on Wednesday afternoon.

The Taco Truck is replenishing it's supply of tortillas.....

In preparation for a weekend filled with beer drinking, Ultimate Fighting Championships,beer drinking, The World Baseball Classic, beer drinking, and a trip to Georgia next week that will include some beer drinking, The Taco Truck will be taking some time off. In the meantime check out some cool and interesting blogs that I love to check out. Check you later.

The Exiled Midwesterner
The Brown Note
The function of unguent

The Taco Truck Stand-Up Blog Presents.... Jorge

Thank you. Thank you...So,thank's for coming out tonight. Being that this is my first show and all, I thought I'd tell you a little bit about myself...First of all, My name is Jorge. Please don't call me George. For some reason, I get that alot. "Oh it's Jorge? I don't know why but for some reason you look more like a George." I love how people stereotype.

So yeah, I work at the new Merril Lynch financial advisory firm that just opened up on San Lorenzo Blvd. I'm the branch manager.... What? What's so funny?.....Oh I get it. Ok, Ok...you don't think that Merril Lynch's 4 star mutal fund advisory compares to that of Charles Schwabs.....ha-ha. Go on laugh it up...You're right. It doesn't compare.

Um..let's see here..What else about me?..Oh yeah, Im in a gang right now... I know what you are thinking-"What? A gang?" Don't worry. It's not as bad as you think- It's just something I do on the weekends. You know, something to get my mind off of my week at work.....I mean don't get me wrong. I would love to do it full time. But with the wife and kids. It's just too much. I was telling Lil' Teardrop the other day "You know what? Wouldn't it be nice if we could be in the gang everyday instead of just on the weekends? I mean it sucks that we have to miss all the drive-bys during the week. Sometimes I feel like Huggy Bear is planning those during the week on purpose. If you really think about it, they do all the fun stuff during the week and we are stuck here on the weekends counting all the money. "

Well, there's alot of interesting looking people in this place tonight. Especially you. What the heck are you doing with your hand? Is that a computer mouse in your hand? What the heck? Are you like trying to be Bill Gates or something? Why would you bring a mouse to a comedy club?.... Wait, say that again I couldn't hear you.....What do you mean- How's Martha? What the heck is that suppose to mean? Man, I hate it when people get like that. All defensive and what not...I was just trying to start up some conversation with the audience. No need to get bent out of shape and start insulting me.

It's like when Im hanging out with someone in the gang and I ask them where they are from? They always get all defensive and are like "East 14 street, ese. Why? You have a problem?" They start throwing signs with their fingers...I'm like Chill out!!! I'm just trying to start conversation. We have 10 minutes before Flaco comes out of the liquor store with all the money and Im just trying to pass the time. I'm telling you. Sometimes my gang can be really crabby and pissy.... Nevermind, I shouldn't be talking bad about them because, deep down inside I love everyone in the gang. Sure some of us have our moodswings and some of us get defensive at times..but it's a gang, you know. It's what comes with the territory.... Actually, one thing that does bother me about my gang is that they sometimes forget that I have a family. I have been out to dinner with the family and have had some of the guys come up to me all excited and be like "Jorge, we stabbed these guys in the bathroom, ese!!!" and I have to be like "Guy's...Hello?...I have the kids.." It doesn't bother me so much that my kids hear things that they probably shouldn't be hearing, but more that my gang knows very well that I can't do anything during the week, yet they still insist on rubbing it in my face.

That's it for me...You guys have been a great audience...I'll be at the bar later, please buy me a beer.

If only I was dieting when I was 4 years old....

The past two months I have been watching what I am eating and trying to stay healthy. I had a physical about 3 months ago where my doctor told me that I had borderline high blood pressure. In order to get it down, he said I would have to start watching what I eat and stop drinking so much. We all know the stop drinking part is not going to happen, so I've been trying to eat smaller portions and cut out some calories in my diet instead. It's a lot harder then I thought. Right now, I'm eating frozen weight watcher dinners that include two slivers of chicken breast, a handful of wild organic rice, and a spoonful of apple pie. It's killing me. You know its pretty bad when you are tilting the the plastic container into your mouth trying to get any sort of juices from the chicken that may still be left behind. To make it even worse, my friend sent me a link to some weight watcher recipes from the 70's. I chose the wrong decade to start dieting...Take a look at this beauty of a meal...

I would much rather have Frankfurter Spectacular then the frozen meals that Im snacking on now. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I saw a commercial last night for the new Jalepeno burger at Carl's Jr...I feel like Im missing out on all these new cool burgers. It's just not right. I'm sure I could keep living with high blood pressure and not have anything to worry about, right? Cliff Huxtable did it. He was always sneaking hogies behind Claire's back.

One Proud Parent.....

I opened up my fridge yesterday searching for something to snack on until Cari came home from the grocery store and I almost had a heart attack. There was no more The Leg-eweizens chilling on the top shelf!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ran frantically to my reserve stash that I keep in a closet near the kitchen. To my utter dismay, I discovered that there was only 5 bottles left. Only 5 bottles!!!! I felt my legs starting to get weak and the hunger that I had felt a second ago, quickly vanished. I leaned up against the counter to brace myself and get my composure. For the first time in my 30 year life I felt what it feels like to be an over-protective, nervous parent . My babies were quickly leaving me. It seemed like just yesterday they were nothing but mere grain, malt, water, and yeast. After selfish thoughts raced through my brain like how I want to keep every 22 oz bottle to myself now and I shouldn't have given so many bottles away, I quickly realized that I couldn't be that way. They are beer. Everyone's bound to love them so it's inevitable that they are going to be gone someday. I have to just be proud of my creation and let them do what they have to do.

So for the record I would like to say that , not in a gay Brokeback Mountain way but more like a Paul Reiser / Greg Evigan "My Two Dads" kinda way, I am proud to be a parent of The Leg-eweizen with my brother Alex. I can't speak for Alex, but I am personally proud of this creation because before The Leg-eweizen was given life- I went through some difficult times to say the least. Months before The Leg-eweizen was created, I had a "beer abortion" where I had to get rid of a batch of homebrew before it even had the opportunity to bottle because I added way too much priming sugar. I went a whole month where I kept blaming myself for being irresponsible and careless. But after being encouraged by other homebrewers that those kind of mistakes happened, I told myself What the hell? and gave it another shot. And Im glad I did. Although splitting custody of the beer 50/50 with Alex was very difficult to do, I have cherished every ounce of The Leg-eweizen that I have been able to drink.

The Leg-eweizen is the best batch of beer that I have ever created and I want everyone to know!!! I'll miss you guys!!!!

My Blog on My Brain.......

After I got out of the shower this morning, I decided to start the week off right by cleaning behind my ears with a Q-tip. As I wiped a small area in the back of my ear, a sudden thought pierced through my head like a lightening bolt, You didn't write in your blog this weekend, Daniel!!! Stunned at the quickness and intensity of this thought, I pulled the Q-tip away from that area and, in a snap, my mind went back to normal... Scarlett Johansen or Liv Tyler from the "Crazy" video?. I slowly and cautiously put the Q-tip back on the area behind my ear and gently pushed down. Another sharp thought shot straight through my head..Come, on Daniel. You have to write something funny in your blog today. It has to be funny. I pulled the Q-tip away...I think Mariah Carey is hotter now that she's a little chunkier. I put the Q-tip back on the spot...Daniel, your blog? Come on. Write something. I pulled it away...I haven't seen Jenna Jameson in any movies lately..hmmm..Did she quit? I pushed down on the spot... Your blog isn't going to write itself, Daniel. Let's get typing.... It's official!!!! My blog has permanently taken over a small portion of my brain. It's in the area right behind my left ear on the temporal lobe.

McDonald's has tricked me one too many times...

McDonald's: Fries Have Potential Allergens

February 14, 2006, 9:34 AM EST

CHICAGO -- Not long after disclosing that its french fries contain more trans fat than thought, McDonald's Corp. said Monday that wheat and dairy ingredients are used to flavor the popular menu item -- an acknowledgment it had not previously made. The presence of those substances can cause allergic or other medical reactions in food-sensitive consumers.

This is ridiculous!!! First, it was the Ronald McDonald impostor that you had at your Union City restaurant when I was 6 years old. He had a mustache and his make-up was all wrong. Plus, that motherfucker didn't even sound close to what Ronald McDonald sounded like in the commercials.

Then, years later, you tried charging me 50 cents for extra sauce for my McNuggets. I liked the sweet and sour sauce and I know no one else liked that shit, so don't give that bullshit that the supply was low. If I was asking for barbecue sauce then yeah I understand the extra charge.

And what about the so call "Boardwalk" game peice that I could never get in your Monopoly sweepstakes? That shit never existed, right? There I was sitting there like a moron with 100 god damn "Park Place" stickers and you knew all along that I was never going to get that shit.

Then, after I boycotted you guys for a couple of years, you deceived me by hiding behind a mexican food joint? Don't think that I didn't find out that you guys own Chipotle. That was pretty low guys. You had to get my money somehow, didn't you? I should have known something was up when I found a McNugget in my burrito.

Finally, this? Your fries were the only food item that I actually made an exception for and ate. There was plenty of times that I felt guilty for taking my little niece's fries when she was engrossed in watching cartoons. Now I actually feel like I was doing her a favor. The worst part about it, McDonald's, is that you know I can't boycott you forever because someday Im going to have kids. You know damn well that I'm not going to be the mean dad that doesn't let his kids have a happy meal. So all I'm saying is that you better have the right toy in that happy meal that you are advertising on your display or you better believe the Ureste family is going to "Burn this whole motherfuckin place down!!!!"

I know what you are all thinking.....

From SFgate.com:

Girl's Prosthetic Leg Stolen a Second Time

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

(02-15) 05:46 PST Temple City, Calif. (AP) -- For the second time in recent months, somebody broke into a 16-year-old girl's home and stole her prosthetic leg — including one that had been donated following the first crime, authorities said. The thieves took a $12,000 cosmetic leg and a donated $16,000 leg that Melissa Huff uses to play softball, her mother, Lisa Huff, said. She said a camera in the room was untouched.

Now, before anyone accuses us of anything, I would like to make clear that my brother Alex and I, although we love The Leg-eweizen beer, do not condone stealing legs or fucking with handicap people. Yeah it would be funny to have a couple of prosthetic legs so that we can transform them into tap handles for our beer, we all know that, but we would never stoop so low as to drive down to Temple City and steal from a handicap person.... That's not saying that we couldn't do it. Temple City isn't that far and $28,000 for two legs is a lot of money. Plus, it sounds like this girl is not very good at guarding these legs of her....Ok that's not the point. The point is that no matter how many The Leg-eweizen beers we drink we would never be intoxicated enough to do something like this. So stop thinking we might be involved. You don't have a leg to stand on in this argument. And if you decide that you want to argue more about this, we would be glad to further defend ourselves. I will forewarn you that we have a leg up on you because Alex has a degree in Criminal Justice and I have taken a couple of debating classes at the local junior college. It's not funny and I hope whoever did do this returns the legs as soon as possible.

A Civil Rights Peanut Butter Sandwich for me, Please....

Every day this month, the San Francisco Chronicle is celebrating African-American History Month by looking at African-American artists and performers in the Bay Area. It's nice to finally read some alternative articles about people like Boots Riley from the Coup, Tracy Chapman, and painter David Huffman, instead of having to read the typical, derivative articles that only remember the Civil Rights hereos. Now don't get me wrong. I admire, respect, and appreciate Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks, but man, those are the only two faces that I keep seeing on all the African-American History Month advertisements. Good Job Chronicle!!!!

Speaking of the Civil Rights movement, I remember there was time when I didn't have an appreciation for it. I remember being in like 2nd grade and of course, I had the heedless, selfish, naive, ungrateful mindset that most 7 year olds have. I remember being confused and thinking to myself- What? What do you mean she got upset that she had to go to the back of the bus? Wait. Hold on a minute.... No one was sitting in the back of the bus!!! Are they morons?!! The back of the bus is the best spot on the bus. Everyone fights to be on the back of the bus. You get to look out the back window... Why would she be upset? If she were in our class right now and we were going on a field trip, she would be lucky if they made her sit in the back of the bus. Now, if they made her sit up front next to the smelly bus driver and all the teachers then yeah I would understand her being upset and everyone making a big deal about it.

My teacher then went on to explain that at the time there was also separate drinking fountains for whites and colored people. Being that I was darker then most kids in my class, I assumed that I would have been categorized as a colored person back in those days. With that playing in my mind, I looked around the classroom and thought to myself- OK. So that means that Me, my brother Victor, and Nick, the only African-American kid in our school, would be the only ones drinking from one fountain, and everyone else in the class including the handicap kid- who would probably take forever trying to get get a drink, Mustache Mary- who's mustache would probably rub all over the spout, and the shitty smelly kid, would all be drinking from the other fountain because they are white.....Nice!!! What's the big deal? I could go for some rules like that.

Finally, I discovered an African-American figure that I could respect. My teacher told us about George Washington Carver . For those of you that don't know, he was African-American and he invented Peanut Butter. Being that I was a big peanut butter and jelly sandwich connoisseur in grade school, there was a great deal of respect and appreciation for someone like him. Watching images of Martin Luther King, Malcom X, and Rosa Parks on TV never did anything for me, but everytime I bit into a PB and J, I knew good ol' George Washington Carver gave me the opportunity and was a real hero. I always hoped that since someone who was African-American invented peanut butter, that someone who was Mexican would have invented Jelly...I don't know...Maybe Abraham Lincoln Chavez?

#1) My Valentine.........

Happy Valentine's Day, Cari!!! Here's a poem I wrote for you Babe...

Happy Valentine's Day
I hope you like the way
I write this poem for you
about my feelings hallaloo

You make me laugh so much
Plus you're sweet like Nestle Crunch
You're generous like a telethon
You're love lasts forever like a marathon

You're beautiful like the ocean
You're smile soothes me like lotion
You always work your magic like a potion
Your love carries me through my days like a locomotion.

You're strong like Hercules
You're committed to me like Berkeley
You stole my heart like a burglary
You're hotter than mercury

You're kind like a baby dolphin
You're gentle like a fresh baked muffin
Without you i would be nothin
It smells like someone is making stove top stuffin

So let's celebrate our love today
I'll throw on some Marvin Gaye
I'll be waiting at home for you
Hurry home so we can shugalooo

But it's not all about shugaloo
It's about the love between me and you
So if you don't want to shugaloo
We can just talk, Im cool with that too.

But shugaloo would be cool
But like i said if not then hiphipharoo
Talking is always nice
As long as it's about me and you

So what I really want to say
Is that I love you and all your ways
I hope you read my blog today
See you tonight!!!! Love Daniel Urestay

#2) All My Family and Friends. Cheers!!!!

Here's a list of everyone that I am in love with at this moment...

Mom and dad, Cari, Tina, Alex, Sweet Tooth, Serina, Lil Eric, Tonio, Victoria, Norma, Grandma, Placido, Grandpa, Grandma, Lydia, Jesse Edwards, Lisa, Davis,Keno, River, Rico,Pearl Jam,Pugsly, Osbelia,Uncle Bebe, Aunt Sandy, Elizabeth, Jessica, Angelica, Bea and Mike, Vicky, Big Fidel, Fidelone, Veronica, Dominic, Marissa, Isiah, Moe, Annie,Lucy, Tico, Ryan, Uncle Mike, Tino, Grandpa Miguel, Rose, Big O, Mones, Little O, Cheap ol Ray, Michele, Collen, Crystal, Susan, Big Ray, Sierra, Cathy, Pat,Cari's family, Chloe, Huzzbuzz, China, Meepers, Charlie,Uncle Bobbi, Aunt Theresa, Carl, Brian, Mike, Mars, Cha Cha, Carlitos, Vanessa, Mar's son, Uncle Richard, Uncle Raul, Aunt Maria, Gabriele, Lynette, Priscilla, Nino and Nina and their family,Jered, Stephanie,Scott, Brent, Eric, Steve, Bass Player Steve, Jeff, Pataks, BM, Mix Desoto, Cole, Barry, Arno, Grammy, Mel, Dominic, Zach, Matt, Schemper,Bony ol Mike, Willie, Malone, Cope, Frankie, Juan, Mike and Maria, Matt, Josh, Hillary, Jason, Nate, Matt, Una, Christine, Bill, Meredith, Eli, Laura, Melaina, Jessica, Colin, Lisa, Andy, Bobbi, Jake, Pietre in Poland, Ben, Megan, Liv Tyler, Scarlett Johansen, Barry Zito, Darth Tator, Storm Tator, The PMACO Crew, The Henry Hunan's Counter lady, The cool chick that works at Subway, Dan Adams, Dan Morrison, and Matt Rogers.

(Note: Names will be added and removed from this blog throughout the week.)

#3) Taking Naps........

The #3 thing that I am in love with at the moment is also one of the most underrated times of the day- Nap time.

Big Green couch + 25 chicken wings + bucket of fries = Food Coma Nap.
Big Green Couch + Just got off of work + Nothing is on TV except Ellen and Oprah= Boredom Nap.
Big Green Couch + 8 beers + it's Saturday afternoon = Drunken nap.
1/2 hour lunch break at work + chair in the conference room = Power Nap.
Hour long Bart ride in the morning and afternoon to and from work + Enya on my MP3 player = Commuter Nap.

Lately, no matter what, I have found that anytime of the day is good for a nap.

#4) My Big Green Couch

#4 on the list of things that I am in love with at the moment is my Big Green Couch.

BGC, this year has been pretty rough and boring for me and if it wasn't for you....(Sorry I get choked up sometimes)...If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have anyone to feel my laziness. Girl, you have been with me through all the rough times. Remember the 49ers season?...You were there for me. Even after I punched you a couple of times. I know it wasn't your fault the 49ers couldn't beat the Arizona Cardinals. I'm sorry.

What about the drunken nights with me passing out while watching SportsCenter? Even when I woke up that one morning with a half eaten Jack in the box Taco still on my chest, you didn't make fun of me. You kept your composure ....Thanks again, for putting up with the constant laying and sitting. Thanks for enduring the gas that I negligently plant into your fabric on a regular basis. And thanks for listening to the constant threats from Cari that you are going to be thrown out if I don't pay more attention to her. She's just kidding. We couldn't live without you. (Stop it BGC. No need to say anything....You had me at "Sale".)

#5) Hummus + Salami + Pita Bread + Wheat thins = CRAZY DELICIOUS

Being that Valentine's Day is only 5 days away, I thought that I would take each day to count down the top 5 things that I'm in love with right now.

That's right. The #5 thing that I am in love with at the moment is a Hummus and Salami sandwich on Pita bread. Cari has been working nights and now that she's barbecuing with other people (JK babe), I have to eat dinner all alone. One day last week I was looking through the pantry and fridge and lo and behold I discovered a masterpiece. As we all know, the soft yet crisp pita bread pairs perfectly with the spicy,creamy hummus. Add some slices of salami on top and you have a great threesome, where everyone is satisfied. I always need some sort of pile of crispy miniature shapes right next to any sandwich that I eat, so instead of potato chips, I added some Wheat thins......mmmmmmmmmmm. Wash it all down with PMACO's Leg-eweizen Beer.

The Leg-eweizen is here!!!

My brother Alex and I have finally finished our first homebrew together. It's a light brown colored hefeweizen called The Leg-weizen. It tastes pretty good for being our first batch of beer together.



People keep asking "What the hell does The Leg-eweizen mean?" Well it's simple. When Alex was really young he woke up in the middle of the night crying from a bad dream that he had about a leg resting against a bike. I, of course, made fun of him forever about it. Until 5 years later I woke up in the middle of the night crying (I was 10 so crying was still cool) because I had a dream about a leg resting against a bike. We both had the same scary-ass dream, so we figure we would name our scary-ass beer after it.

The Mexican-American Chameleon

I was walking to work this morning from the Bart Station, when I saw a hand waiving for my attention from the corner of my eye. It was a Mexican woman. Did I know this lady somehow? I have a shitload of relatives so I wouldn’t be surprise if I did. I tried to pin a name with the face. Is this one of my dad’s cousins? Cousin Sophia? Should I give her a hug and ask her how she’s been? Right away, she smile and I smiled back. But my smile quickly faded as she opened her mouth and I realized that I don’t know this woman and she is asking me something in Spanish. In a nanosecond, I became what I like to refer to as the Mexican-American Chameleon.

One of the great benefits about being Mexican-American is that I get this unique ability to transmute between two people at any given moment. For example, when I'm walking down the street and another fellow Mexican stops me and bugs me by asking "Donde esta las puedo un hombre en la cocina?" I honestly don't know what the fuck they are saying, so I just shrug and say "Sorry, I don't speak el Spanish..." Usually they will look me up and down acknowledging that it’s obvious I’m Mexican and that I’m a moron for not learning Spanish. A smart-ass comment like "Wuedo." is usually whispered under their breath and seconds later, I am quickly on my way again. Easy as that. And that's the real Daniel. I may look like I could talk a gang of Spanish, but honestly I only know how to say water, love, and tortilla.
Conversely, let’s say I get myself in a awkward situation where I am at Victoria’s Secret and the store manager is Linda Smish. Let’s say she comes up to me and says something like "Hi sir,.. um... Yeah, so I have been watching you and I want you to know that I completely understand because we get a lot of guys in here. It's ok to stare at the mannequin. It's very normal. But sir, you have been here for 45 minutes looking at the same mannequin. It’s very uncomfortable for us all" So all I did or would do is simply transform into Hector- a Mexican straight off the Diesel trailer from Mexico- and pretend I don't know what they hell she is saying. I would shrug and say "Que? Desando penando miando citando limando aqua tortilla de amor..." Which any Spanish speaking person or beginning Spanish student, for that matter, knows translates into "What? Desando penando miando citando limando water tortilla of love..." The manager would quickly realize and say "Oh, you don't even speak English. You must have just crossed the border. You don't know any better. Ok, Ok, that's understandable." She’ll look me up and down- acknowledging that’s it’s obvious that I’m Mexican and that I’m a moron for not learning English. A smart-ass comment like "Wetback" is whispered under her breath, and I am quickly on my way again. Easy as that.- The Mexican-American Chameleon, ladies and gentleman.

NOTE: My attempts at mastering the African-American and Mentally Challenged Chameloeon proved to be too difficult.

OK...Ok...You win...I admit it....

(Ill be a man about it and let everyone know. Just stop bugging me about it. Damn!!!)

Hey Everyone. This isnt easy for me to admit, but after years and years of battling between each other- with me winning every single battle I may add..... (Calm down. I will tell them. Just let me finish) ....with me winning every single battle, I regret to inform everyone that a miracle has happened.... (Dude, you know it was a miracle... Ok. Fine) ....It wasn't a miracle. I was just careless and left my guard down... (Does that sound better?..Good) ....I left my guard down because yesterday I was super busy at work, I cleaned our apartment last night, and I started a new workout regime. It was all way too much and I was way too tired this morning ..(I'm not making excuses!!! I'm just saying the truth)... After years and years of beating him to the punch, my alarm clock woke me up this morning.... (There I said it. You happy?... Go on, Go on. Boast all you want, because it wont happen again.) In fact, I would like everyone to know that my little friend here may be relieved of his duties when I get home this afternoon and a new less competitive alarm clock may take his place... (Ok stop crying. I was kidding...Seriously I was kidding. I am sorry...Come here. Give me a hug...Don't be that way...Give me a hug...GIVE ME A HUG!!!!)

A six pack of ice cold variety blog

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Lindsay Lohan Article on Yahoo....



Here's a clip from the article.....

Lindsay Lohan had reportedly just stepped out of the shower Friday afternoon, when she lost her grip on a teacup, which smashed to the ground. A shard of the broken cup connected with the actress' shin, leaving a gash that required 10 stitches to close. "She and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," Lohan's mother, Dina, told Star magazine.
The best part of this article is how her mother Dina adds "with eggs and everything". Ok asshole, we know that your daughter has money. You don't have to rub it in our faces. Some of us aren't fortunate enough to get "eggs and everything" with our breakfast. On the other hand, I can see how maybe she just wanted to let us know that Lindsay was eating again. Or maybe she wanted to make sure that we weren't all thinking "I bet Lindsay was preparing breakfast- on the little mirror by her dresser."


A STRAIGHT prejudice idot


I am feeling guilty today because yesterday afternoon I found myself a culprit of stereotyping and prejudice on BART. I was on my way home from work when a Middle-eastern guy got on the train and sat down in the seat in front of me. He had a suspicious red backpack and a serious look on his face. Right away I got uncomfortable and thought that this newspaper article on the SAG Awards was going to be the last article I ever read. I stared at him for a while and he eventually caught me staring at him. I was kinda glad that he caught me staring at him because I wanted to let him know that if he was going to try and do anything crazy that I was on to him. Finally after a couple of minutes of more intense staring from myself, his cell phone rang. I thought for sure this was going to be the call from his boss letting him know that it was time for him to do what he had to do. He pulled the cell phone out of his jacket, looked at the number, smiled, brought the phone to his ear and said "Hola?..Oh bien. Y tu? "....... He was totally Hispanic!!! Horale!!!! Everything was cool. I relaxed. Man, you would have to have been a family member or a friend of this guy to not think he was Middle-eastern. He looked at me while he was talking on the phone, so I smiled at him to confirm that everything was cool. The guy kind of furrowed his brow (which were really thick by the way), so I'm sure he thought my smile was my way of trying to hit on him. So I pulled out my "All about Beer" magazine that has this super hot girl on the cover holding a beer in her hand from my backpack to make sure he got the right idea about me. But it looked like he sort of laughed at me to himself while he was talking on the phone. He totally thought I was gay. How dare this guy judge me like that. What? A guy can't look at another guy and just smile, asshole?


Sunday, January 29, 2006

Do you hate me TIVO?



We got TIVO on Friday so I was pretty excited. I was finally able to get rid of the VCR and the one video tape I used to record a shitload of shows. But maybe I made a mistake?.....I was a little upset this morning when I went to watch a boxing fight that I told TIVO to record for me last night, and I found that it recorded “That’s so Raven” on the Disney Channel instead. Not only was I upset that I had no boxing to watch, but I took it as a slap in the face being a faithful Rudi Huxtable fan. TIVO, you may be a fan of little cute Olivia but I am not. If you have something to say to me TIVO, why don’t you say it to my face and not hide behind some advanced video recording technology.

http://static.flickr.com/28/97328605_a265df7748_m.jpg
Friday, January 27, 2006

Is my girlfriend bbqing behind my back?


So a couple of nights ago Cari came home from work and smelled like some damn good barbecue. If she worked at Tony Romas, Outback, or McDonald's during the McRib season, I would understand. But she works as a nanny. Kinda strange. I asked her if the family that she's nannying for barbecued that night and she said (in a mean, argumentative voice) "No. Why? What are you trying to say?" I wasn't trying to say anything really. I just smelled some damn good barbecue. But it got me thinking. If Cari is indeed barbecuing with someone else behind my back , would I be pissed? I wouldn't be pissed if A) she confesses and then from now on brings me home a plate or a rib or something. and B) if she promises not to compare my grill to this new grill. Our apartment is small and the balcony only has room for a small weber. It's not my fault my grill is small. I would get a bigger and better grill if we had more space....hmmmmm.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I had to write a song about the Hamas taking over Israel...

After reading about how things in the Middle East aren't going as planned and how the Hamas won the election, I picked up my guitar and I began composing something that maybe will help us all understand. Now bare with me on this one...This song is still under construction and nothing is set in stone...except there will be a piano involved somehow and someone striking a triangle at the end. So here it is:

(What if a piano starts playing for a couple of measures and then like someone with a gentle sweet voice and their hair feathered starts to sing) :
There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
and its time to lend a hand
to life
There greatest gift of all

(He or she will pause for a couple of measures, put on a silver shiny glove, and then start up again):

We cant go on pretending day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of Gods great big family
And the truth, you know,Love is all we need

(And then like all my family and friends and as many people that we can get together will all join in and start belting out this chorus, swaying from side to side):

Chorus:
We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So lets start giving (Someone with a deep voice will take it over from here doing his best imitation of hmmmmmm..lets see...Bruce Springsteen maybe? I don't know. Like I said nothing is set in stone).
Theres a choice we're making
We're saving out own lives
its true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

(We all come in again and start singing the chorus, swaying from side to side, but this time, we all look at the person next to us and sing to them confirming to them that We truly are the world, and are the children):
Chorus:
We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So lets start giving
Theres a choice we're making
We're saving out own lives
its true we'll make a better day
Just you and me
(triangle) to end it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being too ambitious with this song, but something about the words and the melody....Nevermind. I don't think it will work. I see some parts already that just don't feel right.


James Frey blew it for me.....!!!!!



Damn you James Frey. I was just about done writing my memoir on my caffiene addiction that I had a couple years ago, but because of you, I have to totally erase the chapter where I give a handjob for a mocha. Thanks man. You ruined it for all us exaggerators.