Commissioner Mauricio asked me to fly to Gainesville, FL to represent the CA teams and meet with the owners from the FL side of our league. Based on my observations, I was asked to provide him a full report…We’ll call this report- The Ureste Report. Unlike the famous Mitchell Report, there were no steroids or steroid users involved. Only beer and beer drinkers. The names included in the Ureste Report have all been confirmed and if ever brought in front of Congress, I will provide hard evidence to support my findings (empty beer bottles, mustache shavings, pieces of pulled pork, etc.)
First of all, it was the most beer that I have consumed in any 4 consecutuve days in my entire life. I would say David (Team Anchor Steam) and I averaged about 20-25 beers each day… The day when I took my shirt off at the bar because I was so intoxicated that I thought I was in a UFC octagon, I may have had a little more than 25 beers.
Just an example of how much I drank- My girlfriend Cari woke me up Tuesday morning to go to work. It was my first morning back in CA. When I woke up I was out of it and immediately was like “Yeah, I’m down to go to Ward’s and get some more beer. Let’s do this.” Then I realized that Cari wasn’t my cousin David and my vacation was over. I actually had to go back to normal CA life and get ready for work. Clearly, I was disappointed.
Furthermore, Cari is now completely irritated with all the stories and cool people that I keep telling her about… The following is a transcript of what I told her happened and who I met…..
Daniel: Yeah this dude Tom (The Stugots). Aw man. He’s f*ckin hella cool. He bought this huge box of oysters. Like 100 oysters…And we BBQ’ed them all day on Sunday. Then Tom was like ‘Yeah one time I drank with the Iron Sheik at this bar’”…Then Tom and David showed me how to play cricket on a dart board. Oh yeah, by the way baby, we are getting a dart board on Friday so I can start practicing to beat David and Tom…. Then Tom and David shaved their mustaches like Hitler and David tried to go over and break up this fight between these black people with the Hitler mustache. Oh yeah baby, by the way I’m probably going to grow a mustache. Then Tom and I started watching a Godfather marathon… Then, Tom explained to me over a couple of beers at the bar how to make a good Chicken Parm sandwich. Did you know that Tom is not Italian but he’s hella good at making Italian food?
Cari: No, I didn’t know that, Daniel. In any case- No dartboard. And definitely no mustache.
Daniel: Whatever. Then this dude Matt (That Veronica Vaughn). Aw man, he’s f*ckin hella cool too. I knew I liked Matt when the first words that I heard from his mouth were “Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?”…hahahahahah.. Like from National Lampoon’s Vacation.. Remember babe when Clark says that to Eddie?”
Cari (not excited): I remember Daniel. That’s real hilarious.
Daniel: Anyway, then Matt brought over all these beers that are from the east coast that I have never tried. This Chocolate Creme Stout that he had was probably one of the best beers that I have ever had. Oh by the way baby, Im probably going to start drinking Chocolate Creme Stout in the morning instead of coffee. So you can get rid of the coffee maker….Then Matt had this wiffleball pitch that comes all the way from the outside…..Wait. Here, hold onto this bat, and stand right there and I’ll show you how he pitched it.
I bean Cari in the back trying to throw Matt’s pitch. She is not happy.
Daniel: Then this dude Nate was like a big racing fan so I talked to him about NASCAR.
Cari gives me the big yawn on that one.
Daniel: And then Adrian wore this fake blonde mustache to this Mustache Party that we went to that was hilarious…. Then Adrian choked out David and made him tap out...
Cari: Wait. A girl named Adrian choked out David?
Daniel: No, Adrian was a dude.
Daniel: Then this dude Will brought over this pulled pork that he smoked on his grill. Aw man, it was the best pork I’ve ever tasted in my life. He injected the pork with this like Mojito sauce. By the way, I’m making pulled pork this weekend and injecting it with my own Mojito sauce. ”
Cari: No you are not.
Daniel: Then of course, there was my cousin David who was cool enough to let me sleep on his bed the whole weekend, while he slept out on the couch, he bought a crap load of ribs, steak, and beer for me , and he bought me 2 Sparks that f*cked me up beyond belief.
Cari: Well Daniel, sounds like you had a good time. But, welcome back to reality. You have a girlfriend and two cats that need your attention now. Plus, the garbage needs to be taken out, the litter boxes need to be cleaned, and …
Guys, seriously, it was one hell of a great time. You dudes were all hella cool. I’m glad I got the opportunity to meet the FL guys in person…..Oh yeah, by the way, I was also fortunate enough to meet last years Field of Teams Champion, Pat from(Eat a Bag of D*cks) in person. He was the promoter of the Mustache party, and luckily for me he made a guest appearance. He has been busy lately doing his Championship Tour. (I shook his hand and congratulated him on his championship and then under my breath whispered, “Shit b*tch. You’re going down this year. Bony ol’ Yellowbats all the way!” )
Footnote: Last night, Cari was talking to me and I was staring out into space. She was like “Hello? I’m trying to talk to you. What are you thinking about?” I was like “The Matt-chelor Party.” She was like “What the hell is the Matt-chelor Party?” …ahahahahhhah
Have fun guys!!!
